Brother Ken Robertson's Answer:
The following is Ken Robertson's personal opinion and is not sponsored or endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). Keep in mind that although Brother Robertson has attempted to prayerfully understand this situation, it is impossible for him to know all the circumstances. With this in mind, please be prayerful, follow the Spirit, and glean wisdom from caring LDS Church leaders.
Thank you for your heart-felt email. I hope my response will answer your questions adequately.
Before I get to your questions about my seminars and retreats, I just want to make a couple of comments about your marriages. First, I have rarely, if ever, worked with a couple in which there wasn't some sort of a "dance" going on. In other words, usually both partners are contributing to the conflicts in various ways. Some of these ways are within their awareness, and some are not. In saying this I am not suggesting that things cannot be experienced as one-sided, just that it's always infinitely harder to see our own faults (a point that I talk about in depth during my presentations). I liked the way you termed it: "severe denial" and "partial denial."
You indicated "In both marriages, for the most part there is little left on which to build – no fun, no intimacy, no friendship, no sense of common direction." I try to help couples either build upon the love they have, or give up their past and learn to fall in love again with the person they married. For those in situations like you indicate, I challenge spouses to be willing to say, "I want to fall in love with you again, and I will do what I can to learn to love you." I believe there is hope, if there is a willingness to change...
But of course, that is the very issue you are concerned about. Let me address that as I answer more directly some of your questions.
The seminar and retreat are exactly the same content, the difference being that the MYM Retreat is more of a "retreat" experience with an overnight stay, which actually helps couples to spend more quality, and yes, fun time together, both being important. I emphasize fun and pampering because I want the experience to be a positive memory for each and every couple, rather than seen as a time to (as one spouse put it), "get pounded into the ground on all the things I'm doing wrong in my marriage." This positive and fun atmosphere is crucial and actually helps couples loosen up and become more open to the material, and ironically, to their own need for change.
I have created the experience to appeal to a wide range of couple types. The material is crafted so as to be applicable of couples in various stages of marriage, and in various levels of marital distress. The principles that I try to train couples to use will help all marriages improve if one can get over the very barrier that you speak of. This barrier is called by some therapists the "un-collaborative set." I do address the issue of overcoming this problem, but the retreat environment does rely on motivation of the couples to follow through.
Individual couples therapy can explore in depth, the deeper reasons for overcoming this focus of blaming the spouse. But I do address this issue in detail in the first hour of the experience. I make it clear that each person must look within themselves to help to heal relationships. As I noted above, I do this in an upbeat manner, to make it easier for people to "hear" and accept. But of course, if there are deep seated resistances to these ideas, a marriage seminar/retreat may not be able to address them fully. However, having said that, I have found that some couples, in situations like yours, have been able to shift their focus and change their direction as a result of the seminar. The question as to whether it would help all the couples you've mentioned, could be better phrased as "Is there anything to be gained from the enrichment experience for couples who are at various levels of resistance and/or blaming?" The answer to this question, I believe, is a resounding "yes!"
For some, the principles can be applied quickly and easily. For others, more work is required. And for still others, the application of the principles may represent a second phase of change after they have received some more intensive couple work in their own therapy (for these couples, it is like a "preview of things to come"). Given this, I think it would be a great idea to for you and your children to participate.
In my view, there are principles in the Gospel that have tremendous impact, if their relationship implications are fully understood. Having specialized in working with LDS couples for some time, I have found that Gospel principles are not understood deeply enough, and that there is a lack of awareness of the psychological approaches that can help to implement Gospel principles more effectively. For instance, when someone says "be forgiving," the question is not whether we should be forgiving, but HOW to get there.
Finally, there is not one-on-one counseling offered at the retreats. Sometimes, if my time permits, I may briefly provide a "coaching" experience to a couple after a retreat, but these arrangements are usually informal and not in-depth (like private counseling/therapy). There is time to ask quick questions between breaks, if there are further questions about what I've taught. If after the retreat, you or other couples feel that there is more need to delve deeper to work out the problems, I would suggest that you ask your Bishop about therapy resources in your area.
I hope I have adequately answered your concerns.
Sincerely,
Ken Robertson, Ph.D.
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