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The following short messages from Brother Ken Robertson appeared in previous “Magnify Your Marriage” Newsletters beginning January 2006. The most recent message is shown first. Feel free to click on the following links to review specific past messages, or scroll down to read them all. We have not included past newsletter "Marriage Muse" or "Notable & Quotable" sections here.
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Living in the Past |
Magical Words |
Loving Confrontation |
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Do you sometimes find that in your disagreements with your spouse, you bring up not just one problem, but several “examples” of the same thing going back in time? If you feel the need to dig out the past when talking about the present, consider the possibility that you are holding onto anger for the past. It’s one thing to talk about a problem that has recently occurred (like within the past week or so), but to add to it by talking about the distant past is a sign that you have not allowed yourself to forgive your spouse. Remember that we need to forgive others NOT because the other person has changed or deserves your forgiveness, but because we are commanded to forgive. In addition, by putting the past behind you, it becomes easier for your spouse to hear your present concerns so you can be one step closer to your goal of solving the problem with your spouse. You may be tempted to formulate your position by thinking up past examples, but this simply is not helpful! Remember that the goal is not to "win the argument" but to "solve the problem." If you still harbor anger for the past, take it to the Lord and ask Him to help you remove your anger and live in the present! Be sure to pray in private for your spouse's best good, too. It's amazing how much change, strength, and peace can come from praying for your spouse! During the next few weeks, if you have thoughts of bringing up the past during arguments, calmly remind yourself to focus on solving the present concern. Later, when you have some private time, turn to Heavenly Father in prayer, seeking his guidance and miraculous healing power. And may "the peace of God, which passeth all understanding... keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7)
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Finding Balance During one of my retreats, I was touched by the anguish a couple felt over trying to make time for their relationship. The husband was a busy man, who constantly helped others as part of his church position, and also ran a full time business. His wife was also extremely involved in various functions and duties. In addition, they had children who often looked to them for help and advice. As they spoke to me, it was clear that they wished they could say “no” at times but felt that they were often the only resource for many people they cared about. After some time, I asked if they had considered specifically taking their concerns to the Lord. They said that they had not yet done so. In addition, I asked if they had set specific simple goals to make sure they have quality time to connect. An example of a "high priority" simple goal is having regular date nights once a week, using this time to truly unwind and enjoy each other’s company. Often we spend first class time on second class goals. As summer fades and a busier season emerges, prayer can bring wisdom for first class choices. Because your marriage is your Most Important Earthly Relationship, it is crucial to devote quality time to stay enriched, nourished, and happy as a couple. Who knows… with some first class spouse-time, you might even find more energy and a brighter outlook to better meet life’s many demands! Consider coming together sometime this week to discuss time-management goals for making your marriage sweeter and closer.
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Sheltering from Marital Hurricanes It’s hurricane season out here in Florida where I live, so everyone is constantly watching weather forecasters to see when and if another “big one” will hit. In marriage we can also be hit at times with all sorts of stressors that lie outside of our marriage relationship. It could be finances or problems with other family members, or whatever… but at times it can feel like we are caught in a constant swirl of pressure and worries. Troubles seem to twist around us and we can feel overwhelmed. The eye of a hurricane is the calm part of the storm right in the center of the hurricane. Interestingly, the smaller the eye, the less intense the hurricane, and the less damage it will do. Hurricanes with large eyes are by definition huge and dangerous. Consider this, too, in your marriage: The closer you are as a couple, the closer or tighter is your marital hurricane “eye.” If you can take the time to nurture your marriage, you will be able to make your hurricanes feel less intense. As a consequence, they will do less damage to you and your marriage. In many instances, it may even help you grow even closer together! Plan to do something every day for the next few weeks to let your spouse know you care about him or her, and that you want to stay close and get even closer. Brainstorm different ways you could show extra tenderness. Write down your ideas. Remember, becoming closer doesn't have to involve big events... just meaningful ones. Imagine the things that your spouse would really appreciate from you. Here are just a few ideas to get you going...
Enjoy choosing and delivering the surprises for your spouse. After you make your list, it may be hard to choose only one each day! May you cherish and deepen the love of your life, and live with more joy in all your seasons!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - 4th Cornerstone As I noted last time, I am departing from my usual sharing and providing extended excerpts from the thoughts of our beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. His message on the "four cornerstones of a happy home" comes from his talk "Except the Lord Build the House...". The FINAL PART of his message begins below, after "Marriage Muse" in the "Notable and Quotable" section of this newsletter. In this quote, Gordon B. Hinckley stated: "I know of no single practice that will have a more salutary effect upon your lives..." and his message is truly inspiring! Can you guess which "practice" he spoke about? I would like to suggest that BOTH spouses sit down and read all of the powerful blessings and promises that are made to couples. Gordon B. Hinckley's promises from the Lord are truly incredible! I will return to offer my usual thoughts in this "Marriage Message" section next time. In the meantime, enjoy the inspiration of a Living Prophet! The following was taken from Gordon B. Hinckley,
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - 3rd Cornerstone As I noted last time, I am departing from my usual sharing and providing extended excerpts from the thoughts of our beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. His message on the "four cornerstones of a happy home" comes from his talk "Except the Lord Build the House...". For the 3rd Cornerstone, President Hinckley discusses the importance of honesty and the sacrificing of our means to God through tithes and offerings. Being open and honest with each other about your differences in how you view budgets can be the beginning of understanding, compromise, and peace. I hope the Prophet's message will inspire you to examine more carefully your own stewardship as a couple of your family finances. The following was taken from Gordon B. Hinckley,
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - 2nd Cornerstone As I noted last time, I am departing from my usual sharing and providing extended excerpts from the thoughts of our beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. His message on the "four cornerstones of a happy home" comes from his talk "Except the Lord Build the House...". His second cornerstone - The Soft Answer, is a very powerful but simple principle. It begs us to calm ourselves down before we approach our spouse with concerns and issues, so that we can control any possible feelings of contention and anger. During the next week, try praying before you approach your spouse with a problem that you're sure is his or her fault... The result may be a humbling and softening experience! When you approach your spouse, pay special attention to the tone of your voice and the words that you use, and work hard to keep them both soft. Enjoy the inspiration of a Living Prophet! The following was taken from Gordon B. Hinckley,
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - 1st Cornerstone In the past, this section of the newsletter has been devoted to some ideas I have learned about ways to increase joy in marriage. For the next few installments, I am going to depart from this, and provide extended excerpts from the thoughts of our beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley. His message on the "four cornerstones of a happy home" comes from his talk "Except the Lord Build the House...". It's principles are just as important now as they were when he spoke them over 30 years ago. His first cornerstone of "Respect" prompts me to challenge everyone of us to carefully examine how much we share statements of sincere appreciation and respect regularly with our spouses. Try approaching your spouse this week and without any other statements added, share your appreciation for something you admire or are grateful for. Enjoy the Prophet's words! The following was taken from Gordon B. Hinckley,
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Magical Words As a young boy around the age of 10, I became fascinated with magic. I even attended a magic club near my home and enjoyed learning some of the skills of being a magician. But when I was younger, magic really felt magical! A magician would say a few magic words, and poof... something amazing would happen! It was as if the words themselves were the source of the magician's power. When I learned how to do magic, it seemed a lot more complicated. As a psychologist working with couples, I have learned that there are many things that take some effort to make a marriage improve. However, I've also learned that there are actually some very simple, almost magical words that people can say to each other that can have a profound effect on their marriage! One simple set of words are what I call the "lightening words." These are words that do not create electrical bolts, but help lighten the concerns and worries of your spouse. I would encourage you to try these 8 words at least 3 times next week, and see the magical effects! The words are: "Is there anything I can help you with?"
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Resolutions Another year is well on it’s way, and of course, everyone is conscious of new beginnings and resolutions. I happened to be watching a broadcast of a Sunday Worship Service offered through the BYU cable channel, and heard some things that caught my interest from one of the speakers.
The speaker then went on to talk about how important service and family are. These should be our “first class causes.” And since our marriage should be our most important earthly relationship, should we not set our sights this year in reaching a little higher, and serving even better our spouses? Our wise beloved prophet, Gordon B. Hinckley said "Each of us can do a little better than we have been doing. We can be a little more kind. We can be a little more merciful. We can be a little more forgiving. We can put behind us our weaknesses of the past, and go forth with new energy and increased resolution..." (“We Have a Work to Do,” Ensign, May 1995) I challenge you to consider these five questions as you reflect on your relationship goals for the coming year: Vision: Desire: Preparation: Inspiration: Commitment: May God bless us all in our efforts to become kinder and more loving to our spouses this year. Truly, we will be blessed with great happiness as we devote ourselves to these very real “first class causes.
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Holiday Season The glorious holiday season has come upon us, and with it our hearts turn to giving. In particular, we think of the greatest gift of all – our Savior’s life and Atonement. While this is a time of reflection, gift-giving, and gratitude, it can also be a time of tremendous personal stress as we try to make plans, organize and participate in special events, and give of our time. During the hubbub, make sure you make time to stop and do two things to help your spouse “decompress the stress”: 1) Help your spouse in some unexpected way. You could simply ask “Is there anything I can help you with?” Husbands, perhaps you can rush in to help her clean up the kitchen after a regular or holiday meal (that will not only surprise her, but your guests as well). Wives could offer to assist in outdoor cleanup or decorations. Whatever the need, see if you can give to your spouse in some unexpected way this season. (To help remember, you could remind yourself by occasionally humming the tune “Have I done any good in ‘my home’ today… Have I helped anyone in need… Have I cheered up the sad… And made someone feel glad… If not I have failed indeed.”) 2) Encourage your spouse to take some time away from all the goal accomplishments to “recharge his/her battery.” Even if that means you will need to do something a bit more to give them the opportunity, it will be a blessing to them. It will also send a powerful message that you love them and truly desire to be a source of joy in their lives. Merry Christmas!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Overcoming BOOs! At the 2006 October General Conference, Elder David A. Bednar gave a talk about not taking offense. The overall point of the talk was simple – we often make mountains out of molehills, becoming offended over not just big things, but little things as well. And of course, once we feel offended, we may act in ways that are not consistent with nurturing our spiritual growth. The talk was excellent, and Elder Bednar gave some great counsel on how to avoid taking offense. If you haven’t had a chance to read it, please do so! ("And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” by Elder David A. Bednar Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, October 2006) In marriage, we often make mountains out of molehills. We confuse little things that annoy, with big things that really hurt. We may then become more demanding of our spouse, and the anger may really get in the way of honest, respectful communication. One reason we react in such a manner is because our Buttons Of Overreaction (our BOOs) get pushed. These “buttons” are triggers of deeper fears and annoyances that cause us to either avoid the interactions, overcompensate so as to appear that it really doesn't matter, or be in a hyper-vigilant “protective” mode, where the slightest hint of such fears causes us to fight back defensively. If you feel angered at your spouse over the next few weeks, consider asking a few questions. “Am I overreacting?” “Will this issue really matter when it’s time to meet our maker?” “Does my reaction say something more about me than about my spouse?” As you ask these questions and honestly try to answer them, you may discover that for some things, it is not your spouse who needs to repent – but yourself!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Play-time! One of the best things about courting your spouse before your marriage was all the “play-time” that you spent together. Think about it, there was no defensiveness – because you never talked about ways to “improve” your partner. In addition, there was no pressure to get stuff done. Best of all, it was affectionate (cuddling, kissing, hugging – all good, with no implication of any sex later) and you could share and learn about each other (your hopes and dreams, your plans for the future, your feelings about the world – current events, entertainment, and the Gospel). One of the foundations of a great marriage is the continued nurturing of your friendship – and playtime is the center of this. If you’re not currently having regular “play-time” with your spouse – begin today! If you are, consider whether you are maximizing joy by ensuring that it meets the requirements noted above. Have fun!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - The Soft Start Got a problem you need to discuss with your spouse? Before you share your concerns, consider this – How you begin can make the difference between solving the problem and getting into a contentious conflict. Try using a “soft start.” The components of such a start are simple:
Here’s an example:
Try it. Using the steps, write down your own “soft start” to a problem you’ve been needing to discuss – then (reading it if you have to), share the problem with your spouse. Good luck!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE -
Love "Preparedness" We’ve all heard of “emergency preparedness.” It’s based on the notion that if you are prepared for the worst, you will be better able to weather the storm (or earthquake, or whatever it may be). Well, the same is true for your marriage. If you are prepared for the worst, you will be better able to weather the storm (of disagreements, disappointments, or other family stressors). “Love Preparedness” is a set of behaviors that if you are regularly practicing now, will better help you when things get rough. I often tell parents that “your ability to effectively discipline a child when they are bad is directly proportional to how you treat them when they are not bad.” It’s similar to loving your spouse. When you have conflicts, they will be easier to resolve if you have put into practice some key behaviors BEFORE such conflicts occur. I call these behaviors the “BIG 3”:
If you can keep on hand a good “supply” of the BIG 3, you will have enough Love Preparedness to weather the storms. It’s time to stock up!!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Loving Confrontation In our last newsletter, we discussed how love is best viewed as a set of skills rather than just an emotion. I noted how learning how to love another (even if they do not reciprocate) can create the best environment for change. By this, I mean that when you are acting in a loving way towards your spouse, you create an atmosphere that is most conducive to allow your spouse to change in positive ways. Notice I didn’t say that you can directly change another (you can’t), but you can create a stronger, positive influence for change. If your spouse acts in ways that leaves you feeling hurt or less loved, confronting them with your feelings in a loving way is the most effective way to approach them – and will give them the greatest freedom to listen, accept your feelings, feel sorry, and then try to make changes for the better… but it doesn’t guarantee these results. On the other hand, confronting your spouse in a non-loving way is guaranteed to backfire almost all the time, leading to bitterness and resentment. The key is defining behaviorally what it means to confront your spouse in a loving way. Reflect on these six basic keys: You may not solve your problem in one encounter. If not, walk away with a promise to return to the issue at a later time. See if you can try these steps out in the next couple of weeks. Good luck!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Altruistic Love I noticed something very interesting, and yet to me very ironic recently in the news: Interesting... A survey by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago did a study on "altruistic love" (with questions like: “I’d rather suffer myself than let the one I love suffer,” and “I’m willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let the one I love achieve his or hers”). They found that people who score high on altruistic love are more likely to rate their marriages in particular as “very happy.” They also found that those who are married, are more likely to rank high on altruistic love than the unmarried. Ironic... The idea that we should “sacrifice” for another is not considered by many to be the essence of “romantic love.” Instead, most consider physical attraction and the feelings associated with it as the core of “love.” But the Gospel tells us that the deepest kind of love is centered on giving and sharing, rather than physical attraction. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to physical attraction - but it is not the core of a deep and abiding marriage. For thousands of years, cultures have participated in “arranged marriages” where children are given the opportunity to play together to see if they can “get along” – if it seems agreeable, they are married in their later years. This was more than likely the way that Mary and Joseph, the earthly parents of our Lord were matched. Deep friendship and learning how to love the other person were considered the center of marital happiness. Love was considered a skill, more than an emotion. Learning how to love like Christ, not only can bring great joy to marriage, but when there is conflict, it can create the best atmosphere for change when one of the spouses is NOT acting in a Christ-like way… but I’ll leave that topic for our next newsletter. In the next 3 weeks, see if you can make a little more of an effort to sacrifice by serving and giving more to your spouse!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Temple Togetherness I love conference weekends! Aren't they great? I was particularly impressed with Brother Nelson’s talk on nurturing marriage in the April 1, 2006 Saturday afternoon conference session. If you missed it, be sure to take a look at it in the May 2006 Ensign or click here for an online copy of Brother Nelson's talk. One of the many points that really struck home with me is the importance of going to the temple regularly as a couple. The spiritual power that can come to a marriage (not to mention the revelation you can receive) as a result of temple attendance can be amazing! If you do not currently have a temple recommend, why not set a goal for the two of you, as a couple, to make it happen? If you are not married to an LDS church member, why not set a goal for yourself – I believe that the Lord can bless part-member marriages, as well, through the faithful temple attendance of the member spouse. If you both are current recommend holders, when was the last time you attended the House of the Lord? Why not make temple attendance a new priority in your life? Do it not just for your own blessings, but for the blessings that can come to both of you as a married couple.
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Valentines Well, the day of chocolates and flowers has ended…and I hope that your Valentine was treated to something special. It’s nice to have a special day to say “I love you.” But I got to thinking about how this day reminds me of Thanksgiving. On one day a year we take time out to be with the ones we love to give thanks to God for all our blessings. And yet, as Christians, we understand that we should be filled with gratitude daily! In that sense, every day should be Thanksgiving. I tell my kids that the most important part of their prayers when they are praying over their meals is not to bless the food, but to Thank God for it. The only difference between today and last Thanksgiving is that back then we gathered with others to do what we normally do every day – give thanks! Of course, you know where I’m going with all of this. On one day a year we take the time to do something “extra special” to those we love to show them how much we love them. And yet, as spouses, we understand that our marriage is our most important earthly relationship and we need to nurture it daily. In this sense, every day should be Valentines Day. In my retreats I try to convey to couples that the most important part of nurturing their marriages happens when they take the time to serve each other without asking, give real gestures of appreciation regularly, and take the time to really play with each other. The only difference between today and last Valentines is that back then we tried to do something a little “different” than what we should be doing normally every day – serving, appreciating, and playing with each other! Make Valentines Day a weekly event in your spouse’s life!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - Where is Your Focus? This past week a friend of mine told me about a reality TV show where the mothers are swapped into different families for a week. I was not so pleasantly amused to hear that the show featured a woman who was incredibly close to her young son - apparently so close that the father was sleeping in a different bed and the young son shared his bed with his mother! They would eat breakfasts together, and the father would be completely out of the picture - passively living a kind of separate existence. Of course this is a rather extreme example of what can happen when a marriage is not focused on the most essential relationship - the marriage! Instead, other things (in this case, another relationship) compete or vie for the focus of a couple. What things are pulling you away from your spouse (and sorry, the answer cannot be "my spouse!")? Sometimes when we are having struggles, we passively allow these other "things" draw us in (kind of like the father in the above scenario). Like people who stop going to church when they have spiritual struggles, we don't realize that in times of relationship struggle we need to work at things even harder and not pull away! So take an inventory on everything that diverts your attention from your spouse, and see if you can resist the urge to be pulled away!!
MARRIAGE MESSAGE - New Year Resolutions It’s the New Year and of course, everyone’s mind is reflecting on resolutions. Probably one of the most common resolutions for any new year is that of improving one’s health. Every spa, weight reduction program, and exercise machine known to man competes for our dollars in the media during this time. I happened to read an interesting article recently that suggests one of the best ways to help your body heal and stay healthy is to minimize (but not necessarily eliminate) marital conflicts. The study focused on 42 married couples married for an average of almost 13 years. Each couple was tested at a hospital after experiencing two sessions – the first one supportive, the second focused on “hot-topics” that would be sure to invoke an argument. Before the conversations occurred, the researcher created eight tiny blisters on the arms of each spouse, which were then covered to measure the rise and fall of reparative fluids, and biological threats to healing such as cytokines. The researchers found that blisters healed more slowly following argumentative conversations than after supportive discussions. Highly hostile couples experienced healing rates that were only 60 percent of those experienced by less-hostile spouses. Cytokines also rose to higher levels following the conflict discussions rather than the supportive interactions. This is really significant, because higher levels of cytokine development in the body is considered a secondary health threat linked to a higher risk for developing depression, as well as heart disease, osteoporosis, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, cancer, and general physical decline. The findings make it clear that chronic contention among couples takes a clear negative toll on the body, including a considerable slowing of the healing process, as well as a simultaneous rise in the risk for developing serious physical and mental illness. So if one of your goals for the coming year is to improve your health, why not start by making a commitment to have a less argumentative relationship with your spouse?END
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